Things that are hard…

My wedding. June 20th 2015. We got married. Just not in the way I had ever imagined it. You hear about wedding days never going as expected, that there is always something that will go wrong, how the best planned events always have the biggest problems, and so on… Well let me tell you, you’ve probably never heard of a tornado ruining a wedding.

The day started out perfectly. Woke up early, and all was well. The sun (of course) was shining. Breakfast was wonderful. I had a quiet morning on the back balcony finishing up my vows. I never believed in abiding by the rule of not seeing the groom the day of the wedding, it’s bad luck, so I spent some time with my husband-to-be and quietly reflected upon the next few hours of madness to come.

I took a long shower. And spent some time to myself, enjoying the moments of impact: oh yes I’m about to become a wife. It was lovely. It was perfect.

At noon, I married the love of my life. Here’s the story behind that: we had no officiant available to marry us at 6:30 p.m. So we had one stop by early on the day to sign the papers making it official. We arranged to have my second cousin Tom play as the honorary officiant for the actual ceremony. Between myself and our “for-real” officiant we wrote up the ceremony that was to include a bourbon unity. It was awesome. I was actually more excited for the real ceremony!

Married at noon, and that was the last I would see my groom before our first look.

It was nerve-racking. My absolutely wonderful MOH suggested we play some music to keep my calm. She knows me well. My bridesmaids and I played a card game, we had lunch and served wine. It was was going to be ok. Even if we’re watching the radar, telling us it’s just going to rain.

Hair, makeup, nails. All done. Dress. Done. FIRST LOOK. You could feel the wind starting to pick up. But it looked like we would get the ceremony in fine.

Ceremony: no one tripped. All was well. It went fast! Because oh my lord could you hear the thunder in the background, the wind whipping my cathedral length veil all around. It was scary, I just wanted it over with.

TERRIBLE FIRST KISS. He was so nervous and we were rushing the ceremony…hoping for maybe some pictures before it began to pour.

That’s when it started to fall apart… I hated it. I hated all of it. This was not supposed to happen. No nice family pictures. No individual bridesmaids and groomsmen pictures.

Run. Run. Run.

Into the tent. That I never wanted for my reception. We sat and were served a drink before…RUN to the basement, there’s a tornado warning.

No dance floor. No DJ.

No reception tables.

No center pieces.

No flower curtain.

No settee.

No Smore’s Bar.

….

Everyone says to me, oh it was a wedding no one will ever forget…

Because of a tornado. Not because it was beautiful. Not because we were beautiful. Not because our love was beautiful, but because we had to move everything inside and sit in a basement for hours.

We spent tens-of-thousands or dollars to not use any of it. Don’t get my wrong it was beautiful, our vision and style was beautiful. It just wasn’t used.

I get “why are you bitter?”

BECAUSE I PLANNED THIS DAY FOR A YEAR AND DIDN’T ENJOY IT.

Because we’re known as “The Tornado Wedding.” Nothing more.

Because I didn’t have a first dance.

Because I didn’t get to dance with my Dad.

Or Mom.

Or my husband….

I didn’t get to party with my girlfriends. I didn’t get to sit and eat from my AMAZINGLY EXPENSIVE buffet. I didn’t get a grand exit. I didn’t get a grand entrance.

Yes. I am bitter.

To top it off, our videography (Anchor Images) team, who we trusted would document this madness, crashed the hard drive. Yeah, nothing.

To make it worse they didn’t tell us about anything happening until they tried to fix it THEMSELVES. MAKING IT WORSE! And no one from the actual company contacted me.

A 5 minute phone call was what I got.

NO PUBLIC APOLOGY.

So we have nothing…NOTHING.

Pictures yes.

But no toasts. No ceremony. No vows. No getting ready. No dances. I will never hear the music as I walk down the aisle…

Nothing. It’s blow after blow after blow. Keep cutting me open. Please.

How do you deal with that? I am bitter. I did not get my day.

It was not “oh someone stepped on my dress.” “Someone got drunk.” “Someone forgot their toast.” Etc.

Nothing so simple to get over. It was..

TORNADO.

No dancing.

No dinner party.

No video.

I have unfollowed every wedding blog. I have unfollowed every Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, account. I don’t want to see perfect reception spaces. And perfect portraits. And perfect weather.

I can’t look at it.

I love my husband.

But it is easy for him to say OH WELL. He didn’t plan it.

He didn’t put his heart and soul and time into it…

He didn’t hold onto the idea of a beautiful wedding day to come while we were displaced from our home, missing Christmas, and putting our beloved cat down.

I did. And I’m mourning it’s loss.

I cannot re-do my wedding day. Noone seems to understand that.

So FUCK YOU who tell me to get over it. FUCK YOU who say, “oh but that was months ago.” FUCK YOU who show no sympathy. And FUCK YOU who think it is EASY to recover. Sensitive subject or not, can’t you see where I’m coming from? Just leave it alone.

This post is a post for me to bitch and complain. There’s your honestly. But I feel I have every right to. So this is more about me getting my feelings and my thoughts out.

“The charm wore off.” That’s how our wedding is remembered.

6 months later and still COMPLETELY devastated.

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